May 11, 2007

sat night deac


If you’ve already conceived the perfect machine, to meet the perfect ends.

March 18, 2007

If you’ve already conceived the perfect machine, to meet the perfect ends.

Hypothetically speaking, supposing there was a small boy who one day while taking his toys apart realized or suddenly ‘got a lot closer to’ the reasons and potential in what he was doing. He had an immediate sense that time machines could be fun, and so, sitting on his bedroom floor amidst a few constituent parts of various toys, began to apply himself, that part of himself that perhaps a quantum theorist might employ, yes, he began to use the faculty of mind that can throw something up, see what other aspects ‘tickle’ it, introduce this or that and bear witness to an interesting thought experiment.
What he arrived at, disregarding the nuts and bolts on the floor, as they were mere catalysts, was the rudimentary but very real manifestation of a time machine.
He hadn’t built anything of course, hadn’t even any ‘math’ to show any-one (he was 5 years old), but it is safe to say, all the other ingredients had been perfectly employed.
What made his invention real and just what had manifested?
Nothing, and as the afternoon went on, so did his profound and exciting sense of discovery taper off into nothing.(especially when his mum called him down for tea)
Now, I wonder if anyone can relate to a couple of interesting features of that story…

1. The ability and use of an abstracted part of intelligence.
2. The sense of arrival at a very interesting occurrence.
3. (ok ok, there was a third one), The moving away from the previous two features and the wondering if there was anything worthwhile or that he could integrate.

Perhaps these computer models that we demand accuracy of so that when we press run, do their thing as if in the real world, are analogous, that is just the same as our brains when we set them off on tasks in our own abstract worlds.
I hope one day we’ll be able to capture those moments, at least enough to be able to convey them in exactly the same ‘light’ we saw them in.
I can almost hear Tesla saying “now there’s a clue”.
© Bulla the speng

I went to Poland a couple of weeks ago. It was good.

March 18, 2007

Poland montage

ooh yeah

March 10, 2007

The brain thinks it knows,
The mind knows it thinks. ooh yeah

doesn’t matter if you drop them

March 9, 2007


Cat Euthanasia Pillow yields decisive results

March 9, 2007

The pillow is made of non-porous, scratch resistant poly-ethylene, and won’t be treated suspiciously by your terminally ill feline friend. We suggest you wait until the cat is well fed and reclining on its favourite settee or piece of carpet, put on some gentle music and then decisively push the eutha-pillow over the cats head and hold in place for 1 minute.
If, in your haste, you don’t have a stopwatch to hand, DON’T WORRY, you can keep perfect time by counting 1 kitty kitty, 2 kitty kitty and so on. When the minute is finished it is safe to remove the eutha-pillow and prudent to discard it, after first stuffing the cat into it and zip-locking it. We can provide you with an air-mail address (North Korea), to send your pillow and its’ contents and they will ‘take care’ of the rest. Early reply secures a free pair of non-faux fur gloves.


March 9, 2007

This morning I thought I’d make the effort (always rewarding) to arise earlier and do the minor amount of washing up and bring an actimel drink to room temperature for my girlfriend’s sensitive son. We started, at my instigation, a conversation, with me feeling I was truly making up for a lost couple of days due to illness. I told him of paintballing and juxtaposed it with real bullets ripping real flesh, get the lessons in early I say, especially the important ones, anyway he was suitably shocked and so I turned the conversation to one of go-karting and promised him a go locally when it’s season, he then asked what a season was (he is six, and Polish), I duly explained this to him and he seemed excited, but then he spoilt it by saying to me “I know why you were ill” to which I replied “what?”.
“you were smoking too many cigarettes”, he said with all the smug certainty of a government health warning. Oh god, here we go, I thought… Questioning his certainty and the sources of his conviction, I asked again, “what??”
“You were ill because you smoked too many cigarettes”, he reiterated, probably innocently enough, but to me the comment was smug and loaded with ‘take it home from school’ wisdom so often dished out like school dinners, unchecked, unappetizing, un-wanted. It was then that I realized the conversation could take a fun turn and so I offered,
“Jesus smoked cigarettes”, his first response moved me to re-enforcing my statement.
“It says so in the Bible”, his face (bless him) was a picture of surprise and confusion.
“Yeah, he smoked God Brand, twenty a day”, I continued, determined to create my own little epiphany, at least equal to the ones he was fed at school. I let the wonderment and shock linger, like smoke, for a few seconds before we both saw the funny side and erupted into our own brand of laughter, the sort that can only be had from the meeting in the middle of two equally opposed and unjust viewpoints. God, I love kids.

Imp Gedda

March 8, 2007

“Mumgnnnaah!!!” yells 6 year old Imp Gedda through his snot strewn helmet as the Yamaha R1 to which he clings spews through the late afternoon traffic like vomit blown down a rippled tube.
Imp represents just one piece of vomit though, and he’s out there at the front in todays’ ‘spesh-clash’, the race of the Kiddy Titans. I got to speak to him very briefly when he pulled in for a ‘snot-stop’, as he had snotty bogeys wiped from his face and visor, and as he drank from a small milkshake, i asked him; “Hey Imp!, hows it going? I saw you snuff the midget on the was that imp? How did it f e e l ?”
gt; “what about the bike imp? I hear it’s good for 230 ? ?”
Then, Mr Gedda appeared, relieved Imp of his milkshake, pressed a button on the petrol cap, and the wailing boy was off again, receding rapidly amidst thunder and dust and burnt rubber.
It began to dawn on me that the boy might not be enjoying the race, when his six foot seven, brick-shithouse built father turned around and stared, menacingly at me.. I allowed an ignorant dusk to descend rapidly upon my suspicions, as i tried hard to dumb my act down for this giant of a skullcrusher.
“Y’kidsz doin greeaat!”, i said as as I upped my redneck testosterone levels masterfully.
“He ought to be because we runnin’ nitrous today”, was imp’s dad’s only response, and it followed that it was aggressively delivered to boot.

New opus starring Brian Blessed and Joey Deacon

March 5, 2007

The Big Deacon

animal show

March 3, 2007

Janet, aged six from Hull writes; “can a young kitten smell?”
Rod Killit, our resident cat and cat faeces specialist replies; “yes absolutely, if you stuff 2 or three dead ones in a bag and leave it for a few days it will smell quite bad, but no not usually, especially if you litter train it”
Thank you Rod, Janet I hope that’s answered your question.

Ben, aged 2 from Esher writes; “hello Rod and everyone, I love the show well here is my question; “If you clip a sparrows wings can it still fly”
Well Ben I have to say that after asking our resident bird sadist Peter flinch I was still none the wiser. It wasn’t that he didn’t know, he was out punching starlings so I couldn’t ask him. So what we did, Ben, was we set up a small experiment to find the elusive answer to your rather perplexing question. Here is a sparrow released from my hand earlier today. You will notice it fall straight to the floor. This is because it has no wings, I have clipped them off. This next clip is shorter and leaves some wing tip on. Did you see the sparrow half turn as it fell this time? But it was this third clip that really informed us of this little birds’ evolved audacity, and prompted Peter Flinch to shoot it in the head. Watch… the circular flight is caused by a difference in wing tip length, wow this must be really hard work for that little sparrow, well done though sparrow mate, you won me my bet with Peter!

Well that’s all we have time for this week but please join us again next week when we will be finishing our very own ‘bat catapult’, shot-putting hedgehogs over cliffs in Eastbourne, and making chewing gum from cat gut.