Twat monkeys

one day, i was doing the fucking shopping at the corner shop and i was just reaching for some colourful sweeties when i saw them… No, NOT the 7 hyper vigilant indians (+3 babies) behind the counter, no..I was, for the first time looking up at the twat monkeys. There were four of them up there, nestling in amongst the rice puddings and imported nuts. I knew them to be monkeys immediately, my good schooling had taught me that…but what were they doing there?? I was pondering their purpose and origins when the first tin struck me upon the forehead…and then there were the voices.. Little mono-syllabilic mutterances, indiscernible to begin with but as i regained my senses i began to percieve their rude little utterances…..
“twat twat twat twat twat twat twat twat” I remember feeling 2 things, well 3 actually. The first was a sense of disappointment at what they were choosing to communicate to me, this being afterall the 1st ever such incidence of monkey talking. The second was a rising sense of indignence toward these rude little fuckers. The third thing i felt was a 1 litre tin of plum tomatoes as it struck me upon the crown of my head… “twat twat twat twat” went the monkeys, bobbing up and down excitedly. They also seemed to be chattering to each other, using a different, and more sophisticated language than the one they reserved for me…. “twat twat twat twat” They were planning something i was sure. I had to act fast and so with a swift and deft action, i drew the cricket bat out of the bag i had slung over my left shoulder and beat the top shelf, the monkeys’ hitherto lofty domain was instantly awash with an exploding mix of plum tomatoes and twat monkey
pieces… they were no more, the twat monkeys, but they had asked for it hadn’t they.. I know no-one will believe this story but i don’t give a fuck. TWAT MONKEYS ARE REAL…
P.S the indian shop-dwellers didn’t bat an eyelid while any of this was occuring. Strange eh?

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